Journal Entries from Thinking Out Loud

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What scares me most about getting old is the fact that I may not be able to do things I once could.

As I age, I may not be able to engage in activities I enjoy, such as running, playing sports, [having] good sex, and even gardening, due to possible physical limitations.

Also, I may be unable to keep up with all this new-fangled technology and stay competitive in the workforce, which leads to my financial situation not being sufficient enough to sustain my lifestyle in Miami.

And last but not least, I am afraid of being alone and not having people to share experiences with.


What scares me most about getting older is getting older and everyone around me getting older because with old age comes pain, discomfort, and, eventually, death.

As I get older, my family and friends will become more spread out, and life’s responsibilities may take over. I mean, no one really wants to stay in Ashland, NE, if they can help it. I myself would love to leave someday, but that’s a story for another day.

I worry that I won’t be able to keep up with them and our connections will grow estranged. And I fear that I won’t be able to keep up with their lives and passions and that they won’t be able to keep up with mine. I mean, Facebook is okay, but its not the same as being there, in person, face to face, heart to heart.

Then there’s the thought of being left behind or having to say goodbye to those I love, it is truly one of the most frightening, recurring thoughts I have.

I don’t want to be alone.


Having heart transplant surgery was a life-altering experience. After the procedure, I was met with a whole new reality. Not only did I have someone else’s heart, but I also had to make significant lifestyle changes to guarantee my health.

My diet, exercise routine, and stress levels were all under a microscope. I had to make sure I was taking my medications in the correct dosages and on time.

I was trying to make sense of the new normal I was facing in my life. I could no longer do some of the activities I used to enjoy before the surgery. Instead, I had to focus on taking care of my new heart.

I was no longer the same person I was before the surgery, and my life has not been the same since.